wrigley field is MILF paradise
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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