just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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