fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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