well I can't set my house on fire every night
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
