those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
