Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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