she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
3 2 1 whiskey
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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