his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
