Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
