I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
