I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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