Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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