I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
that's an acceptable place to lick
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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