if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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