I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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