Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
