a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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