I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
