dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
