Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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