I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
