He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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