He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
