Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
