You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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