Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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