Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
