I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
