That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
