she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
