so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
