My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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