Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
