normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
