I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
