Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
