I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
