My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i may or may not be watching the land before time
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
