If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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