I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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