Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize
