Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
