I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
