he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I think I sprained my soul last night
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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