I'm eating all of the evidence.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
