So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
