gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
