my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
