wrigley field is MILF paradise
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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