I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
