Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
