after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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