Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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