Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
