sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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