i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
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