the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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