My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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