Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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