My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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