You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
