Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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